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MARRIAGE |
By
Sr. Muntaqima Abdur-Rashid
I have listed some rules that may benefit those seeking an Islamic marriage,
as well as, those who are already married. I do not pretend to be an expert
of any kind. I have learned what I know through marrying at the early
age of 18, just 9 months after embracing Islam. I muddled my way through
much of my 14 years of marriage, and consider myself a graduate from the
'school of hard knocks'. The rules are: 1. Be conscious of your physical appearance. No one was more conscious
of this than the Prophet. His Sulmah reflects keen attention to personal
hygiene and good grooming. He kept himself strong and muscular. Most likely
the first aspect of you that attracted your mate was your appearance,
so don't think that simply because you are married the task is over. You
can't hide a weight problem under Thawbs' (dress) and long Khimars' (veils).
Your mate knows. Be aware that you live in a society that places a high
premium on physical appearance. It flaunts the shapely female and her
muscular counterpart. Temptations that beckon non-Muslims beckon Muslims
as well. Don 't allow your mate to get side-tracked by the likes of a
'Raquel Welch or an Arnold Schwarzenegger'. Jog, join a gym, roller skate,
swim and stay in shape. Insha' Allah, you will be more vibrant, more radiant,
and more attractive to your mate. 2. Be aware of your role, but do not fall into role- playing. Muslim
spouses sometimes experience difficulties because they are trying to do
things 'by the book' without giving due consideration to the conditions
prevailing in their country. For example, most female converts are taught
that the role of the Muslim woman is to be at home raising her children.
Supposedly, it is the man who works outside the home to maintain the family.
She may have read about Birth Control and assumed that it has no place
for the Muslimah; yet, it is worth noting that the Prophet himself allowed
coitus interruptus. If ideal Islamic conditions prevailed, there would
be no reason for a sister to worry about her financial situation interfering
with her right to bear children. However, without an Islamic society,
needy Muslim families may have to resort to welfare and food stamps rather
than Zakaah and Sadaqah. This creates a feeling of dependence and humiliation
that can place extreme stress on a marriage. In this ease, it may be helpful
for the Muslim couple to delay having children, for the wife to work while
the children are young and until the couple 's financial situation improves.
Islam gives you this flexibility. Don't be afraid or ashamed to use it.
3. Be a companion to your mate. Try to show enthusiasm for your spouse
's interests and hobbies. It is well-known that the Prophet would run
races with 'Ayesha. By all means try to involve your mate in your interests.
4. Be active in Islamic community life. This will strengthen your commitment
to Islam while providing you wish a wholesome social outlet. Encourage
your spouse to engage in activities that promote Islam. Have dinners at
your home for Muslims as well as non-Muslims, and don't neglect your relatives.
These activities will indirectly enhance the quality of your marriage
through widening your circle of activity and contacts. 5. Admit your mistakes and have a forgiving, generous attitude when your
mate errs. This country is a difficult place to live in. Most Muslims
fall short of the Islamic ideal. Contradictions abound. Be quick to admit
your shortcomings and work to amend them. Be understanding when your mate
does not live up to the Islamic ideal and gently try to motivate him or
her in the right direction. 6. Have a sense of humour. Be able to chuckle at life's minor aggravations.
7. Be modest when around members of the opposite sex. Do not try to test
your spouse's affection by feigning interest in another. This will only
cause dissension and bad feelings. 8. Share household duties. Brothers, take note. This is especially important
these days when women work outside the home. The Prophet always helped
his wives around the house and even mended his own clothes. Who knows?
You might find you actually like preparing the evening meal or taking
care of junior so your wife can have the afternoon off. The Messenger
of Allah said, "The most perfect of the believers in faith is the
best of them in moral excellence, and the best of you are the kindest
of you to their wives" (at-Tirmidhi). 9. Surprise each other with gifts. Treat her to an evening out alone,
away from the children. There are no words to describe the lift this can
give to a marriage. 10. Communicate your feelings to one another, good and bad. Tell him
how handsome he looks. Where there is disagreement, have an open discussion.
Don ' t collect red stamps. Nip it in the bud . 11. Live within your means. Stay away from credit cards if you can. Sisters,
take note. Don't envy the possessions of your friends, and belittle your
husband because he can't provide them for you. Muslim couples will do
well to stay away from ostentatious living. The Prophet did not live this
way, neither should you. 12. Respect your mate's need for privacy. A quiet time to oneself, either
at home or away from home, each day can make a disagreeable person agreeable.
13. Don 't share personal problems with others. There are a few exceptions
to this rule, but if you must discuss personal problems, make sure it
is with a person in whom you have the utmost confidence. If you have a
learned Muslim brother or sister in your community, seek him or her out
first. 14. Be sensitive to your mate's moods. If you want to share a personal
achievement, don't do it when your spouse is 'down in the dumps ' . Wait
for the proper time. You may be saying to yourself, "This is easier said than done."
Well, you're right. A successful marriage doesn't just happen. It's not
simply a matter of luck or finding the right person. It takes hard work
and determination. It means being selfless and making mistakes. It means
having vengeance on your mind but forgiveness in your heart. But, then,
its perfection is "half of faith". Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of
our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead righteous. Qur'an 25:74 "The whole world is an asset and the best asset is a good wife"
(Muslim)
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