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MARRIAGE |
"Believers, men and women, are
protectors of one another They enjoin what is just and forbid what is
evil. They observe regular prayer and practice regular charity, obey God
and His messenger, and on them God will pour His mercy, for God is exalted
in power and right. God has promised to believers, men and women, gardens
under which we were supposed to dwell therein, beautiful mansions and
garden of everlasting bliss, for the greatest bliss is the pleasure of
God, that is the supreme"
(9:7 1). We are told in the Quran that, "Men
and women believers are protectors of each other." We are also
told in the Quran that our spouses have been created for us for our own
benefit so that we enjoy tranquility. It is said in the Quran, "All
you believe, observe your duty to your Lord who created you from a single
being and created its mate of the same kind and expectfrom this too many
men and women and keep your duty to God by whom you demand of one another's
right and the ties of relationship surely God is every watching over you"
(4: 1). And we are also told, "And one
of His signs that He created for you, your mate from among yourselves
that you may dwell in tranquility with them and He has put love and mercy
between your hearts verily in that are the signs for those who reflect"
(30:2 1). Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) has told us how
we should treat our spouse, It was an important part of his last sermon
and he states, "Oh, you people, your wives have a certain right over
you and you have certain rights over them. Treat them well and be kind
to them for they are your committed partners and helpers." Whatever
he said was an inspiration from God. Whatever he said, we can confirm
the authenticity of that by going back to the Quran and see what the Quran
says on this subject. It says, "Provide for them, the
rich according to his income and the poor according to his means, the
provision according to the custom, this is an obligation for those who
act kindly" (2:236). So providing for them according to your
means is an obligation. And God also says, "Treat them
politely for even if you dislike them, perhaps you dislike something which
God has placed much good" (4:19). So there may be some reasons
why you may not like your spouse for any physical or other reasons, but
we are told still to like them because God has chosen them for us. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) has expressed
some of the rights of wives on their husbands or the instructions to husbands
for their wives. In Mishkat, it is reported the best and the most perfect
of the believers is the one who is superior in his moral behavior and
kind and courteous to his wife. In another place, he has said, "Feed
her when you feed yourself, clad her when you provide yourself with cloth,
neither hit her on the face nor use impolite language" (see Tirmidhi). In Abu Daud, he is reported to have said,
"When a man wakes up his wife and both of them perform two cycles
of prescribed prayer together, the name of the husband is recorded among
those who remember God and the name of the wife is recorded among those
who remember." But he was fair and he has also outlined the duties
and responsibilities of the wife towards her husband. I will just mention
three of them here from his collection of Traditions. In this part of
Tirmidhi, it is reported that he said, "A woman who prays five times a day,
fasts during the month of Ramadan, protects her modesty and is obedient
to her husband may enter heaven through any door she likes." Not
only can she enter heaven, but she can choose from the different doors.
In another Tradition, it is mentioned, "The best woman is the one
who greets her husband with joy when he looks at her and when he asks
something lawful, she obeys and never adopts any attitude in connection
with her own self and good which is disliked by him." In another
Tradition, it is reported,"On the Day of Judgment, God will not look
upon the woman who has been ungrateful to her husband." There have been many, many women in Islam
who were great leaders, prophet's wives, Khadija and Ayisha and many others
such as the Prophet's daughter, Fatima, the leader of the women in heaven.
There have been many known scholars who have been women. Imam Malik's
teacher, Ayisha, daughter of Sa'd ibn Waqqas, Imam Shafi'i"s teacher
was Saiyida Nafisa, granddaughter of Imam Hasan, Rabia Basri, another
scholar of Islam, was such a great scholar that men scholars used to come
and study with her. Even nowadays, there have been scholars like Zaynab
Ghazali. Women can achieve their rights if they are given the opportunity
to do so. They need to know that they do not have to stay in the house
and cook and take care of the children, In my opinion, God has also been kinder
to women. First of all, they are equal to men in all acts of piety. The
Quran assures this (see 33:35). For example, when men miss their prescribed
prayers, they are religiously obligated to make up for them. However,
when women miss their prescribed prayers because of certain days of the
month, they are not required to make them up. Men must provide for their
wives, whether their wives work outside the home or not. If women earn
income, it belongs to them alone and they can spend it on themselves if
they want. They do not have to provide to their husband from that income. Now let's look briefly at women's rights
according to modern society. The women's lib movement, in my opinion,
is distorted. In this movement, women have rights, as I described, to
do the right thing, but they also have the right to compete in wrongdoings.
Not wearing the modest dress is not a question of women's rights, having
an abortion is not a question of a women's rights. Cancer of the lungs
was the 10th leading cause of death in women fifty years ago when they
were not competing with men in smoking; Now it is the second leading cause
of death in them, thanks to their "liberation." God says in the Quran "Oh, humanity,
it is you who is needy of God, and it is God who is above all needs"
(35:15). So the question of rights should be taken in the sense of
who is the giver of rights, to whom are we responsible for having given
us these rights. It is God Who had given us these rights. We must accept
our responsibilities when we talk about our rights. The relationship between husband and wife
has been summarized in one beautiful sentence in Quran which should be
the guiding light, "They are your garments and you are their garments"
(2:187). Only He knows why He used the word "garment." We can
only guess. A garment is close to our body. So husband and wife should
remain close to each other. A garment protects our body from outside influences;
thus husband and wife should protect each other from outside temptation.
A garment is to beautify our appearance so they should complement each
other and not belittle each other. A garment is always available to our
body, so should they be to each other. The following verse is frequently quoted
by men, but is misunderstood very much. "Men are protector of
women because God has made them excel over the other, and because they
spend their property on women, so good women are obedient (to their husband)
and guard their modesty. As for whom you fear rebellion, admonish them,
and then banish them from your bed (i.e., do not sleep with them), or
beat them (lightly). If they obey you, then seek not a way against them,
God is ever High and Exalted" (4:34) Wife abuse is a major social crime in
American society. Close to 4 million women are physically abused every
year by their husbands, ex- husbands, or boyfriends to the extent of seeking
medical attention in emergency rooms according to a 1991 Senate report.
Many such abuses are not reported by women for the fear of divorce or
further abuse. About three women die every year from such abuse. Abuse
is not only physical but also sometime sexual (rape), emotional, or financial. Unless Muslims guard themselves to prevent
such social crimes, they will become (and are becoming) a part of our
own society, just as divorce has become. Muslim women are much less likely
to report abuse and to whom will they report? to the male Imam? Do we
have a social support agency or should they call non-Muslim law enforcement
agencies and have their bread earners imprisoned? The mention of "beat
them lightly" in the Quran is not for all women, but only those women
who are rebellious (disloyal) and in stages 1) first you warn them; 2)
you separate your bed from them; 3) beat them lightly (with a traditional
"toothbrush" or folded handkerchief) before the final stage;
4) divorce, one of the most hated permissions. The Prophet himself did
not beat any of his wives and told Muslims, "Do not beat God's hand
maidens," and "How could they beat their women in daytime as
slaves and then sleep with them in the night?" Talking about women's status in Islam
is easy. To give them their due rights in practice is difficult. The process
can begin by giving them My advice to married couples for a happy
marriage is no different than the advise given to them by many counselors. 1. I suggest that both of them be conscious
of their personal appearance and try to remain attractive to each other.
It is not uncommon that women dress and put on make-up when they go out,
but don't do the same when they are inside to please their husbands. Similarly,
when men want their wives to be very attractive-looking, they should also
look at their own appearance and especially their physical appearance
so that they will be pleasing to their wives. Both of them live in a society
in which there are too many temptations outside the home and, therefore,
they should not give any chance to others to succumb to such temptations. 2. 1 suggest both of them be companions
to each other rather than the role of the boss and the one who is being
bossed or upper-hand or lower- hand. If the two wheels of a vehicle are
of the same diameter, same air pressure, then the car will go in a straight
line, otherwise it will not. So, I suggest they be each other's friend
more than being their bed partner. 3. When they do commit mistakes or injustice
to each other, they should admit it and be forgiven. They should be gentle
in criticism and generous in appreciation. They should never bring up
their past because it is like undoing the dressing and starting the wound
fresh. 4. They should mind their language. Sometimes
we say things which we don't mean but it hurts other people. As the poet
says, "The wounds of blade many heal one day, but the wounds of tongue
never heal." So before we says something, we should think how these
words will affect the other person or if we are the recipient of those
words, how we would feel. 5. They should have a sense of humor.
One woman describes her husband in this way, that many men had proposed
to me and they liked me, but I chose him as my mate for the rest of my
life because he makes me laugh all the time. Life is too short to be too
serious. If we have a smile for each other when we greet each other and.
a word of kindness and of compassion, it has a lasting effect. Again the
poet says, "The sweet words of kindness and sweet words of love make
this world happy like heaven above." 6. Both of them should share household
duties together. It is not fair that women are used as a cook and as a
maid and as a babysitter while men enjoy all outdoor and outside of the
home social activities. The Prophet (PBUH), always helped his wife in
household work and he was an example for us. 7. They should find occasions to give
each other a gift or flowers or candy, whatever a small thing that may
be. This is not a western concept. In fact, the Prophet has stressed that
we should give gifts to each other because "giving gifts" increases
mutual love. 8. Wives should recognize the economic
means of their husbands and should not put any demand on him that he cannot
bear. If they do, he will either refuse or find wrong means to earn extra
income to meet her demands and both of which will have wrong results. 9. They should be equally involved in
community work and efforts. It is not appropriate that mothers have to
bring children for Sunday school while fathers stay home to watch football
games. If learning Islam is good for children, it is good for mothers
and it is also good for fathers. 10. In matters of sex, both them should
be available to each other without putting an extra burden on either one.
Thus, the Prophet (PBUH), was a very modern man. He encouraged foreplay.
In a Tradition, he has said, "It is not appropriate that you fall
upon your wives like a beast but you must send a message of love beforehand."
Men and women both have physiological desires. Each should respect the
likes and dislikes of each other. We should respect each others privacy
because each of us needs some time, moments of privacy, to be alone with
our body or with our mind. |